Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Reading and Rhetoric

Feeling a little snarky today, particularly given the imminent shutdown and unemployment (though, just for reference, per my contract, which still dictates my actions while unemployed, I may neither seek another job, nor unemployment assistance payments). So, my Things That Are Making Me Happy During Spring post has now been laced with cynicism…My attempt to emulate our esteemed Congresspeople and translate my otherwise innocuous observations into nausea-inducing political rhetoric.

I love that Spring is the time for simple and light meals, like Steamy Kitchen’s chicken sausage and apple slaw (I went even lighter on the dressing as I don’t love a ton of mayo, and it was still great!).

Rhetorical Translation: We citizens need to arm ourselves (reload, if you will) with healthy recipes to help us protect our children from the serious obesity epidemic crippling this great nation.

It’s White House Easter Egg Roll Lottery time again. We did not win the lottery – again - maybe someday we’ll get in, but I’m not holding out hope as I am not nor do I want to be politically connected.

Rhetorical Translation: Shouldn’t all Americans, the taxpaying good citizens of this nation, have access to government programs? Isn’t it time that we stop making the distinction between the haves and the have-nots? Isn’t it time that we give equal rights to all our citizens?

I am looking forward to getting back on the bike for spring-time commuting.

Rhetorical Translation: As our nation sinks into more and more desperate times, wasting the time we should be spending with our families on our clogged roadways, we must free ourselves of the bondage of foreign oil. Unless we do, we'll fall into a world of peril where two-wheel commuting is our future. It is essential to the vitality of our economy, to our future as the most prosperous nation on earth.

Due to inclement weather, I was not able to bring the little man to this year’s elephant walk. It’s always a fun time to watch the parade - hopefully, next year.

Rhetorical Translation: We must make examples of these circus members, who for too long we have failed to hold accountable for their deplorable exploitation of the cherished pachyderm species. This is their day of reckoning. Not on my watch.

I have an appointment with our landscaper this week. Maybe he can teach me a thing or two about gardening…He seems to think dumping mulch is the answer to all gardening issues. I tend to disagree, but I’ve proven before that I seriously lack a green thumb.

Rhetorical Translation: My esteemed colleagues across the aisle will tell you that mulch is the answer, that mulch is backed by the full faith and credit of the U.S. Treasury. But, let me tell you - mulch has a price. If we continue to balance our garden's sustainability on the back of a worthless bed of mulch, we will end up owing the Chinese. You need to hold this landscaper's feet to the fire.

It's almost playoff time. Time to cheer on our first-place Caps, even in the outer limits of the DMV. Well, at least for one series...

Rhetorical Translation: We need to get to the business of government, to serving our fine taxpayers in grips of this financial crisis. We need to cut out waste and inefficiency like NCAA pools, or wasting time hanging out with Ovechkin.

Oberon is out for the season! It’s time to celebrate the taste of spring (and summer). For me, it's also a taste of home. By the way, home, I may be there soon. It appears I'll soon have a few extra days of unpaid leave on my hands (though I may be beckoned back at any time).

Rhetorical Translation: I need a beer. I’ve had enough politics!


Manimal said...

The perfect pre-shutdown post!

Kyle said...

Not that I am excited that you will have extra days of unpaid leave on your hands, but sharing on Oberon with my sister in our home state does sound awesome. I seem to remember a picture of our last Oberon together in a joint where we can share a burrito called "The Bomb" as a family.

Steve said...

I hope any shutdown is short-lived!

It would be better,for all involved, to get our collective act together and AVOID the consequences.